I am not like the rest of you.

I don't think the way you do.

My mind wanders dark paths. Darker than your worst nightmares.

I can't explain it, but I feel like life is one big fucking joke, one big game; and I'm on the losing end. No matter what's going right for me, no matter what I'm doing that makes my life the amazing thing that it is, one thing holds true: It's currently never enough. I'm not good enough, no matter how hard I try. No matter how much you praise me, no matter how much you compliment me: you're wasting your breath. Don't even try.

The definition of misanthropy is, more or less: One who hates, despises, or does not trust humankind. This is what I feel. As a whole we are a plague upon the planet. We over populate. So called"advancements" in medicine have caused Charles Darwin's Theory of Evolution and Natural Selection to die out, and it makes me sick.

The mentally deficient that would normally die, the handicapped that would normally die... the elderly, the... fucking, look if there is a Hell I've already got a one way ticket there for thinking all of the "evil" men of the past had a great vision.

I do not support religion. It is as much a plague as we are. Maybe even worse.

I'm pro choice. It's taken me a few years to realize this, but I am.

I'm against continuing to populate this planet. The sick, feeble, retarded, handicapped, etc. need to just die. Those with severe social retardation need to die. This world needs a genocidal cleansing like it hasn't seen since the last great extinction.

We are a plague upon the Earth, and we do not deserve to live. We have ruined what was once a beautiful planet. We have consumed VAST amounts of our home's resources. Each and every one of you, on some level, makes me sick. I make myself sick because I, like you, am nothing but a virus upon this forsaken planet.

The pain assaults me daily, the tide of suffering assaults me daily... I stopped caring years ago when I became desensitized to this shit thanks to the wonderful American media and the internet.

I laugh at pictures of death. I poke fun at religion. I am not who I used to be. I am not who I want to be. No amount of mental help, psychiatric therapy or anything will cleanse me of these sins, of this evil.

I used to sing His praises until I realized He was but a lie told for generations, a lie upon my mother's lips.

And yet, here I am... wondering if this is just all in my head. If I'm not really this misanthropic, if I'm not really this hateful...

I wonder where that little boy with a song in his heart went... I wonder where that little boy that used to sing "Achy Breaky Heart" ran off to...

Did my grandmother's passing really undo my perception of reality this much? 6 years, almost 7, and I get worse as the years go on.

But of course I'll never let you catch on. I bottle it all inside until I release it in blogs here and there, in lyrics there and everywhere...

I am fascinated with the concept of death... I love the look of blood. The color, the texture...

Nothing you can do can save me from my fate...

This is what's on my mind right now...

Saturday night, slipknot's drummer, Joey, hospitalized. Thousands of angry fans. Booing Corey Taylor, as 8 of The 9 are on stage, in street clothes, unmasked. They're serious about this mess.

Parking lot, after tugging at Dan and Sierra to leave a situation that was only going to escalate. Stupid drunk fan, being stupid. Tail between his legs, apologizing as we leave to go to the car.

Parking lot nightmare to get out of, wait at car, drink beer we bought before show. Talk about how wanted Lani back once, Dan's advice "cut all ties"

Listening to Dan's music from car stereo, still in parking lot, still waiting. Discussing future plans together as band mates, prospectively. Slaps me on shoulder "You're playing your first show this year, buddy"

FAST FORWARD TO SUNDAY AFTERNOON

Dan talking about dream he had of ex gf, telling her to fuck off.

Talking about how having those dreams is a good sign.... Better off w.o her...

MONDAY NIGHT

He left Sierra... for his ex...

Selfish thought of the night: There goes my jam session, there goes my chances of playing music with somebody... there goes fucking everything.

The universe seems to be throwing a choice at me... another road of Duality... Led by the hand down a path of insanity, musical collaboration of frindship devotion... honor and trust are here at stake...

I cannot choose like that again. Learned if I play with fire I'm going ot get burned. That is what happened the last time.

I refuse to choose between her and anything else, even if it's my own "career" as a musician. Simply fucking refuse.

There went the best band mate I never had... looks like I'm not meant to play music in a band after all...

Use this for inspiration... Fuel for hatred, for all mankind...

WE are weak

We are feeble

We are pleasure seeking idiots...

God has a plan? The Christian God has a plan? How the FUCK does this fit into the grand universal scheme and balance of things?!

Put me in a hole for shelter

I have never felt so final...

You all stare but you'll never see

There's something inside me...

8.19.09 Gives Me Hope.

I should be sleeping...

I found a new-ish site, givesmehope.com, and I've been sitting here the last twenty minutes or so just reading over all these little stories people have posted. If you know me well enough you know that, as a whole, I hate humanity. For what we've done as far as pollution, over-hunting, over-populating, etc. There's many things which I despise our species for. Many things I fault us for. The fact I don't work in some sort of nature-ish career field is almost surprising, except for my hypocrisy of doing exactly what everybody else does, due to my thought of "we're all fracked anyway..."

Guilty as charged...

A few of these stand out, and of course bring up several emotions that were dead for several months at the beginning of this year... not necessarily dead, but replaced with hurt, revulsion, and confusion.

Here's an example: "Lately my dad has been really angry and distant, and i feel like it's just wearing my mom down. I went home to visit today and found a journal in the bathroom. Each day my dad writes a new thing he loves about my mom and leaves it for her to read. GMH"

Really anything involving marriage just stings a bit. There is no secret that I didn't want this end... however, here's the reason this blog is known by next to nobody. Even though she's with somebody else, going through a really tough spot in her life, she keeps saying "in a year you're going to date me again."

I honestly am at a loss when it comes to a response... The norm is "uh huh" or "what happens will happen"

It's funny that, when given the chance, I don't know if I'd go down that road again... I don't want to go through all the trouble of the date, propose, marry cycle again just for it to end the same way. I love her, though I haven't shown it much at all lately, but I just don't know if I can be with her again.

This plagues my mind every single day. Working for 8 hours with nothing but the ability to think and destroy things, I always swing my thoughts back to her. I need to write some feelings and emotions out it seems, in the creative way. I've been stuck when it comes to music, but perhaps I'm able to do my poetry again. That would be nice. Poetry without the need for music.

Writer's Block is not fun. Neither is the broader term: Artist's Block. As a creative individual, that term applies more. I used to draw, since I could hold a pencil. I haven't drawn since my little brother was three or four. He's eleven. Last year I wrote at least 12 songs, I feel anyway. This year I'm lucky if I'll finish any of the eight that I've started. This includes the three complete instrumentals that lack vocals. This excludes the ones I feel are better off as instrumentals.

Musically I've returned to black metal, because I love the sound. Lyrically and poetically I'm still stuck on Filanthi. No, Lani. I never called her Filanthi unless I was annoyed. Sometimes that irked her, but honestly when calling her Lani irritated her we were usually fighting, so I didn't care much at that point... then she'd be bothered by me using her full name afterwards... It was an interesting relationship, and even now.... after all the hate that's gone on mostly from me, I still think it was a rewarding relationship.

Even the night she left, I thought we'd still be together. Even when she called me at 7 am the next day with the offer of separation or divorce, and I told her that she's either with me or she isn't, I figured we'd still be together.

People say I should be over her, but most of them are people that haven't had that kind of relationship. What made it difficult for me to choose as to taking her back or not before the divorce was finalized was the fact that the vast majority of my friends suddenly didn't like her... my family doesn't like her... her family thinks I'm trash (so eff them, honestly), and just... grr.

Ever since January my Zen has been thrown off... Hanging out with her I have my muse. I write after bits of time with her, or after talking to her... I wrote a small poem after I gave up on helping her which is a scar unto myself... I lost hope, in the face of growing darkness. In the bald face of her depression and breakdown, I simply dropped the call and shut off my phone.

I am weak... not worthy... and feeling incredibly down. Which brings me back, full circle, to givesmehope.com. Those little stories... give me hope.

I swear it is easy to adjust, and I should know"

To quote Chris Margolin, which I figure is only appropriate. All I've been listening to lately is the Fallen Leaf EP, and NOW I found an acoustic solo album he recorded @ Northern Lights, so I must say I'm going on a bender here. Check out him and his band, Chris Margolin and the Dregs, at www.chrismargolinandthedregs.com and trust me, you'll enjoy what you hear. My recommendation is "Reckless" though the song I quited is "Simplifying Daisy." All of his songs are amazing. If you're in Portland, go to the show @ Macadam's :D I'll be there, it's reason enough.

Anyway the whole point in this is to just update this blog... Gods know I need to.

I've cut off ties with Christina. If you're going to go over a month without so much as hanging out with me more than once, and then to completely STOP texting me, then what's the point in me continuing a friendship that I wish to become a relationship that is so much more. She showed promise, but I'm gaining nothing in this friendship, and neither is she. Especially since most of my texts went ignored. There you have it, my justification. Did some summer cleaning on my myspace friends, too. Just no point in keeping people on there I don't even talk to...

It's the 3rd, and I'm wondering if I'm still legally married. Honestly I hope that I'm not. It would make things easier, since I feel that this is honestly what is best for Lani and I, complete legal freedom. Do as we please. Assess our own situations, and maybe in the end realize that we were in fact made for each other by some act of the cosmos, and reconvene at a much later date.

I have to wonder though, would I feel right taking her back? I've been wondering this for months...

She is and was my muse. I haven't found another source of inspitation for my writing or my music. I have yet to complete any song I've written since she left me. Aside from Gina, which is the only original I've completed at ALL this year. Everything else I start up, then never finish. Venomous God, Punkemployment... All of my energy has been going into writing instrumentals that are just purely emotionally driven. I can't even classify what I do anymore. It's not really rock, and it's not metal at all... I like keyboards. I can't figure out how to do vocals. It's just...

My music is sad, and like me misses it's muse.

I want to find a new muse. Someone that makes me feel complete again...

I feel empty. I AM empty. Make me better?

SCRAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW

Here we go again. More self inflicted bitchery I guess...

So today, or yesterday depending upon what day you view 1:19 am to fall upon, I went with my ex-wife down to pick up her check, and possibly quit her job. They let her go, and from the sounds of things she should just talk with a lawyer. Putting it mildly I referred to her check has harassment money :)

After that we were supposed to go downtown to get this divorce shit straight. Instead my day consisted of adventuring with my ex-wife, me having a great time, yet being completly miserable on the inside because everything was hitting me all at once. We had both moved on. We were both either with somebody or pursuing somebody. She's changed so much since she was with me that it scares me, angers me, and I'll be honest: I am jealous that she's getting more action than I am. I mean, it seems like a whole role reversal from how things were two and a half years ago when I first met her.

I'm still in love with her. I want her. But it's best that we do not go down that road again. If we travel it, heartache and suffering are carelessly strewn about the streets like so much refuse. I don't want to cause her anymore pain than I already have. She doesn't want that either. Is it so wrong of me to think there's still a slight connection? I should have just stayed home today and slept my afternoon away instead of causing what appears to only be more suffering in my mental state than normal.

However, she is not Christina. Ironically I do not have her, but it is with her that my heart lies, so to speak. With her there is a chance to begin anew. There are so many things to consider in that than I realize, but the fact remains: It's her I've shown interest in, and her I shall remain so.

I've just got a lot going through my mind right now.

I had a dream, several times tonight, that involved torrential rain, "locusts" which looked more like stink bugs mixed with said rain, and attempted sex with my ex-wife. That never got past foreplay. Partly due to my roommates in said dream, partly due to it not feeling right. However I did get my kisses dammit... I'm a sucker for soft lips. There's one set in particular that I miss, and honestly I'm wishing I was near her right now, the person whose lips in particular I crave, because weather she's in a funk or not I could use some cuddles. Knowing that somebody out there is in fact attracted to and or attached to me would do wonders for me right now.

I spent over five hours with my ex-wife, and we only got talking done. Letting each other know what's gone on in our lives. What's changed, way too much detail. Though not from me. I spared as many details as possible because telling your ex-wife that you can honestly say you've had better since her is just wrong on so many levels...

I don't know where I'm going with this anymore. I could use a strong shot, or just a fifth of something. Tequila Rose comes to mind as it's a low proof tequila with that smooth, strawbery cream taste. I could probably chugh that thing and still be fine, but would feel worlds better in moments.

My niece is doing better, the treatment is helping, and her mom is still a cuntbag. I love that little girl with all of my heart and if something is to happen to her, her mom is dead...

Big heart and a small bank account

Honestly at this time i wish I'd been saving my money up. This girl I know is a little behind for her rent and baby sitter, and of course... I'm offering the shirt off my back... as much as I can. I can't offer them a place to stay if she can't gather the cash because this isn't really MY house. Otherwise hell yes I would. One of those "lose your place, live with me... just buy food" deals. I miss that ability with my first apartment :(

Regardless I can only really spare $50 right now, and then after bills next week fuck I would just give her the rest. The fact that I have feelings for her does play into this, but whatever man I'm a nice guy, you know? I also want to try and persuade her to get me back on her good side even though I don't know what I did in the first place... however she was having a moment Saturday... and last night admitted to being in a funk. I'm thinking this has attributed to our lack of talking lately. I pray to whatever gods there are that that is the only thing that's keeping us from talking like we started out doing haha

Hell, keeping us from being an us... ugh.

So sometime in the next few days I hope to hear back, because as of today the most I'm buying is soup for my ex-wife because she's sick. I know her when she gets sick, shit sucks for her. Yeah ex-wife blah blah blah... I'm the nice guy, but I know when to be an ass, too. I've done it with her before, honestly. And recently. I'm just done taking people's shit. I'm trusting, and I have issues with that trust. Usually you have to earn it, but if you gain my affections I'm ready for you to use and abuse me, baby. Because that's how I roll...

I'm just wishing I had a job because then I'd just pay the remainder of her fucking rent...

The sheer vastness of what I just said scares me, now. I've offered to go broke for girls before... She has yet to give me a reason to not trust her, and I guess I'm testing trust right now. I told her I don't expect to be paid back, and I don't. It's money I would have spent regardless. That's how I see it. Starting next week, though, I'm done spending. I need to just stop. I need to save. Going to concerts here and there and not drinking will help me save, because my money goes to music and beer... and storage, "rent", food, and a cell phone. I should be able to save ONE check a month, which is a total of $174 a month.

I just won't make the mistake of telling her I'd do anything, because even I have my own limits on what "anything" means... But I'd do everything within my extremely limited power...

Hollow Soul

I don't update this often. Usually my updates are reserved for my journal on deviantART because, well... it's easier to include this shit there. But I can't be as free with my speech there anymore, like I can here. Reason being: Nobody knows of this blog's existence. And if anybody finds out, well then fuck it. Cat's out of the bag, huh?

So in case no body's been following along, and I'm sure that is the case. I met a girl. Christina. Not really a girl, but a woman. With a job, a kid, the most amazing body I've ever been inside. The works, right? Well things aren't looking so great for a relationship between us, and so in commemoration of said event I wrote a small poem.

This being that poem:

This hollowness I feel inside
Can never be rivaled by what you brought alive
Bitter pain I won't understand
Or allow you to explain

What we may have had
To me felt so divine
To crush it up in a little ball
And throw it all away
Remains a mystery to me
Through this very day

I gave you all that I had inside
Despite this empty shell that I call home
It wasn't enough to hold you here
Which is why you ran away...

Ran away from the man who loved you
Spent more than his soul could afford to
Make you happy
And in return all you know to do is fade away
Just fade away...

Now here I sit reminiscing
About my broken past
Looking through my own reflection
Will I find a love that lasts

Every love that I've ever had
Won't stand beside their man...

Now, I have a disclaimer that this isn't really about anybody in particular, and it isn't. I have a tendency to choose women that just aren't 100% compatible with me. I'm almost looking for help in the romance department, but not just yet. I'm going to give it more time before I try and get out there again.

The hardest thing to do for me is approach a woman. Getting their information afterwards is second nature to me, but still... It's the whole getting your foot in the door thing that takes me so fucking long to do. I need to get over it, but then there's the looking like an ass... the pick up lines... the buying of drinks... ugh. Fuck me. I hate the game.

What will be the icing on the cake is that, now I'm an ordained minister, I'll be the one to wed off my ex-wife. That'll be REALLY fucked and twisted, eh?

Yeah, fml.

FML...

Why why why do I feel this way. Honestly, it's fuckign pathetic. It's been what... a week since I met her, yet I already feel a deep attraction for her and I fuckign hate this.

This isn't high school

This isn't jr. high

and it sure isn't the drugs, because the only "drug" I ingest is alcohol, and I haven't done that for a while until tonight. And tonight it's half a glass of Jager straight, plus a little ice to keep it cold.

Seriously though, what the fuck is my deal? I shouldn't feel like this. It's driving me crazy, this buzzy feeling in my head (not head in my feeling as I was originally going to type).

I've been separated from my so-called wife since the end of January. I'm finally trying to get out there into the game and scene again, and I was thinking that I found somebody again. Maybe it's just me being a fucktard and her having a totally "irritating" day as she put it, but I can't help but wonder if she even does feel remotely the same about me. Which I guess is normal, but... I just recently met her. Which is why, for the most part I'm trying to be careful about this. I keep seemign to be hung up on her having a 2 y/o but honestly it doesn't matter. Why should it matter? My step-dad has been in my life since I was 7, granted my parents were only dating at that point in time, he's been there as a father figure for the great vast majority of my life. I'm sure this has somehting to do with me falling for her, you know? Like "step-father" like son, eh? Only he's not as old as I was lol

I think it's love, but I can't be sure this early. I want it to be, but honestly I want to enjoy being single, too. Yet here I am, trying to get into another relationship. I love the way her lips feel agaisnt mine, the way my nails feel against her skin as well as my teeth grazing her flesh. She drives me crazy and makes me miss her, and I'm sure she doesn't even try. Why have I fallen so hard so fucking fast?

I just want things to make sense to me. I want to be able to deal with these emotions in a more stable manner, as opposed to drinking them into submission when I'm feeling overtly bummed at her not talking to me as much as I"d like her to do, you know? I don't know, I just think I'm starting to sound fucking pathetic as shit...

Ugh, fuck my love life...

Found a new...?

Well... I need to keep this updated more often, because my life is starting to have some changes go through it. I like keeping some sort of documentation of the stupid shit I do, that way I can learn from it in the future.

As of right now I'm officially trying to get with somebody... it's really fucking strange to admit it, but I really like her. She's a few years older, has a kid, and is into things that I'm not... but that's honestly okay. She's a little crazy, and I dig that in chicks. Eccentricities are fascinating to me, and are the spice of life in my humble opinion. But it can be over done...

However...

I need to think of the positives about her.

She is older, and she acts it. She has her moments where it seems like there's some immaturity, but we all have those moments. She's easy for me to talk to, and I like that. I was able to approach her easily when I met her, which made things interesting for once. She's not overly pretty, but that's not to say she isn't attractive. FAR from it. Obviously I'm attracted, and not in the "slamming body that needs a paper bag over the head" way. While she does have a smokin' hot bod, I like her in more than just a physical sense.

Oh god, the physical sense. Something about that chick just really gets me going. I haven't had that for two and a half years, and now I have it again. I want her in more ways than I can describe, and to keep my hands off seems a degradation to her name. I refuse to mention a name in here, because well... we're both still single. But my god... to admit that I am finally attracted to somebody that is attainable, that is easy to talk to...

I just want to follow her around like a goddamn lost fucking puppy.

See, I mention all of this because tonight I missed the physical contact. The hugging, the kissing... the biting, the, well, fucking everything. Granted we've only hung out three times now, and had any sorts of physical contact twice out of those three times, there is still that ever elusive spark that could mean a great relationship, or a great FWB. My money is more towards the relationship aspect even though the ink isn't dry on my divorce papers, because whatever god there is knows I don't want to be alone the rest of my life, and I'm totally over hating women for any reason :)

Things are still too early on to tell, though. There's only a few things I'm not a huge fan of, but it's nothing that can jeopardize anything. Like I said, it's the little eccentricities that I find attractive. She has them. Shes amazing, in my opinion. I'm sure I'll look back on this in a few years and wonder if I'm running off of a second hand high from the pot, but well... idc to be fucking honest.

I could very easily be falling again... and when I fall I fucking do it hard and fast. I'm just trying to watch out and take my time for, well... not much left to take my time with.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind. Her. She's all that's been on my mind, and it's a beautiful thing to not have my ex-wife on my mind anymore. Fucking beautiful beyond belief.

Going good?

The mirror cracks are all I have left...

So today I gave my ex-wife the remnants of her stuff that I have. A shirt, two hoodies, and nothing else really... It's also the first time I'd seen her since January. She looks really good... I mean, shes lost the weight she gained while she was with me, so she looks really good. How I remember her looking after she got fired from ACS. Trust me, she looked really good then, too...

Today I think that was one of the dumbest things I could have done. I just wanted to get her to spend some time with me, but it was impossible. I had to hang around her and her room mates, and watch one of them eye her. I don't know honestly if it's 100% healthy for me to be around her. I can be friends, sure... but if I can't at least spend some "alone time" with her, like I do any of my other friends, then... Really I'm not getting shit out of this friendship at that point. And I'm not talking FWB either, I'm just talking "relationship fulfilment. I.E. my best friend and I go to the gym. We spend time together five nights a week and that's it. That's what I mean by alone time...

Though I'd like to get some real alone time with her anyway hahaha

Anyway, this little event is inspiring a new song already... so I should have it done by tomorrow. RE5 with my stepdad, and then gym later tonight. I've already gotten my cardio workout in for the day, other than that it's all upper body tonight.

FML

So I just realized that NIN isn't going to be touring (at least not for quite some time) after this year.

I always seem to choose the best time to get into bands and groups, because sooner or later something will happen. Either a band member gets murdered (Pantera/Damageplan guitarist Dimebag Darrell, RIP Brother Dime) or now with NIN, which I'm getting REacquainted with. I first got into Nine Inch Nails back in highschool, when my buddy Matt burned me ten CDs for free. Pretty Hate Machine was one of those albums. It just wasn't enough to hook me...

Then I bought [With Teeth] and thought it was a pretty good album. One of my favorite tracks on Rock Band is The Hand That Feeds. I score fairly high vocally on that song, which is always a nice thing for me.

I head one track of Year Zero, and thought to myself "What happened to Trent?" becuase I just wasn't feeling it like I was THTF. I'm going to pick up YZ later this year though, seeing as I'm on a HUGE kick right now.

The kick started when I downloaded last years album, The Slip, off of the NIN site. I enjoyed the first two tracks, but couldn't get into a song until I landed on "Lights in the Sky" which, three hours later, I had recorded an acoustic cover of. Enjoyable process, and I keep trying to fix my vocals. That's not going to happen, though. I hate my voice...

Anyway, for the last two days I've been doing nothing but listening to the first disc of Ghosts. This is another album I missed last year that I'm thinking I should have picked up.

The irony here, as I had mentioned in the first sentence, is that it looks like I won't be seeing NIN live, in person, any time... soon or ever. The closest shows still happening this year are in Cali. Sometimes I honestly hate fucking living in Oregon... all the good shit passes us by...

Fuck my life...

Lacking in the Inspiration Department...

I haven't had much inspiration lately...

Usually I'm writing constantly. Poetry, lyrics, music... Even prose in general. I'm at a bit of a wall, and I'd like to do to it what was eventually done to the Berlin Wall... tear it down, Mr. Gorbachev. Honestly, that's what I want to happen. I just don't foresee that happening for quite some time.

Reason?

Most of my work this year has revolved around the pain, anger, bitterness, and shock and hatred of my divorce proceedings since the start of the year. I've written a lot about it. Mostly in the form of angry "emails" to my ex-wife, but that never really was enough for me. I started writing a song called Vampyre Kvnt, and never got past the first few verses and then the breakdown section at the end of the song, lyrically. I've written a few songs, sans lyrics, lately... It's becoming a problem to me.

Internal writer's block...

Not something I like dealing with...

I need to find a source of never ending inspiration. I need to find it and fast, because there's only so much one can write about not being able to write.

HOWEVER, it's my firm belief, along with countless hundreds of thousands of other people that art is simple and formulaic. Art = Suffering. Without pain, there is no art. With out art, well... life is pretty damn boring. Everyone who has had an ounce of suffering in their life, as far as I'm concerned, has released it through some form of art. Drawing, painting, writing, music... All art draws from suffering. The best kind anyway.

I need to figure out why being civil with my ex-wife has caused me to stop writing... There has to be something in this world that I feel passionately enough about that I can write all my aggression towards that... something that isn't religion.

Another new home...

Apparently I had this set up all along... weird how that happens. Must've been from when I created my GMail account... whatever..

I guess I need to start out with the obligatory introductory entry to get things rolling, so... I'll go into my bio now...

My name is Geoff, and I hail from Oregon. I'm a native Oregonian, basically means I was born here... though there is a small percentage of native in my bloodline, as to which tribe I'm not 100% sure.

I'm a writer, a poet/lyricist. I'm a musician, guitarist primarily. I play a little bass, can program a drum machine, and I sing... err... scream, that is. Yes, I'm THAT kind of musician. I play what I classify as Blackened Death Grind, which basically there are elements of Black Metal, Death Metal, and Grindcore in my playing and music in general. It's more raw elements as opposed to technical, though I one day hope to be able to shred with the best of them. You can check out my music in two locations. The first is www.myspace.com/geoffcannon and the second is www.myspace.com/anathemablack which is the name of my current one-man-band project. Of sorts.

I enjoy video games, more as a recreational thing than a sport as some people make it out to be. You can usually find me on, right now, Halo 3 or Left 4 Dead under the gamertag Althaeda. Hit me up, I'm usually open for a game or two, but don't expect me to add you as a friend just because you stomped my ass in SWATgun. I don't roll that way, playa don't play.

I'm a bit odd, but you'll find out more about that in future postings...

At this time in my life I"m going through the divorce process. I was married to Filanthi Theoharis on July 26th, 2008 and we've been separated since roughly January 23rd, 2009. Aye, that's nearly six months, however divorce papers have yet to be finalized and I'll be damn sure to write a blog celebrating that little victory of mine. To finally be free again!!! Oh how divine...

Thank the gods we didn't have children, or I"d be stuck owing child support... with no job. Yeah, Oregon's FUCKED up like that, but whatever...

Oh, and I'm Agnostic. It's not that important to me, because I don't feel that "label" truly defines who and what I am when it comes to my belief system, but it's the closest fit I have. I do NOT believe in an all powerful deity, or any number of combinations. I believe that gods were thought up by man so he could seem more important than the "lesser" creatures in the world, i.e. animals.

Right now that's all I can think of saying... I may or may not update this account regularly, often, or hell, even at all.

That is all...