So today, or yesterday depending upon what day you view 1:19 am to fall upon, I went with my ex-wife down to pick up her check, and possibly quit her job. They let her go, and from the sounds of things she should just talk with a lawyer. Putting it mildly I referred to her check has harassment money :)
After that we were supposed to go downtown to get this divorce shit straight. Instead my day consisted of adventuring with my ex-wife, me having a great time, yet being completly miserable on the inside because everything was hitting me all at once. We had both moved on. We were both either with somebody or pursuing somebody. She's changed so much since she was with me that it scares me, angers me, and I'll be honest: I am jealous that she's getting more action than I am. I mean, it seems like a whole role reversal from how things were two and a half years ago when I first met her.
I'm still in love with her. I want her. But it's best that we do not go down that road again. If we travel it, heartache and suffering are carelessly strewn about the streets like so much refuse. I don't want to cause her anymore pain than I already have. She doesn't want that either. Is it so wrong of me to think there's still a slight connection? I should have just stayed home today and slept my afternoon away instead of causing what appears to only be more suffering in my mental state than normal.
However, she is not Christina. Ironically I do not have her, but it is with her that my heart lies, so to speak. With her there is a chance to begin anew. There are so many things to consider in that than I realize, but the fact remains: It's her I've shown interest in, and her I shall remain so.
I've just got a lot going through my mind right now.
I had a dream, several times tonight, that involved torrential rain, "locusts" which looked more like stink bugs mixed with said rain, and attempted sex with my ex-wife. That never got past foreplay. Partly due to my roommates in said dream, partly due to it not feeling right. However I did get my kisses dammit... I'm a sucker for soft lips. There's one set in particular that I miss, and honestly I'm wishing I was near her right now, the person whose lips in particular I crave, because weather she's in a funk or not I could use some cuddles. Knowing that somebody out there is in fact attracted to and or attached to me would do wonders for me right now.
I spent over five hours with my ex-wife, and we only got talking done. Letting each other know what's gone on in our lives. What's changed, way too much detail. Though not from me. I spared as many details as possible because telling your ex-wife that you can honestly say you've had better since her is just wrong on so many levels...
I don't know where I'm going with this anymore. I could use a strong shot, or just a fifth of something. Tequila Rose comes to mind as it's a low proof tequila with that smooth, strawbery cream taste. I could probably chugh that thing and still be fine, but would feel worlds better in moments.
My niece is doing better, the treatment is helping, and her mom is still a cuntbag. I love that little girl with all of my heart and if something is to happen to her, her mom is dead...
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