Big heart and a small bank account

Honestly at this time i wish I'd been saving my money up. This girl I know is a little behind for her rent and baby sitter, and of course... I'm offering the shirt off my back... as much as I can. I can't offer them a place to stay if she can't gather the cash because this isn't really MY house. Otherwise hell yes I would. One of those "lose your place, live with me... just buy food" deals. I miss that ability with my first apartment :(

Regardless I can only really spare $50 right now, and then after bills next week fuck I would just give her the rest. The fact that I have feelings for her does play into this, but whatever man I'm a nice guy, you know? I also want to try and persuade her to get me back on her good side even though I don't know what I did in the first place... however she was having a moment Saturday... and last night admitted to being in a funk. I'm thinking this has attributed to our lack of talking lately. I pray to whatever gods there are that that is the only thing that's keeping us from talking like we started out doing haha

Hell, keeping us from being an us... ugh.

So sometime in the next few days I hope to hear back, because as of today the most I'm buying is soup for my ex-wife because she's sick. I know her when she gets sick, shit sucks for her. Yeah ex-wife blah blah blah... I'm the nice guy, but I know when to be an ass, too. I've done it with her before, honestly. And recently. I'm just done taking people's shit. I'm trusting, and I have issues with that trust. Usually you have to earn it, but if you gain my affections I'm ready for you to use and abuse me, baby. Because that's how I roll...

I'm just wishing I had a job because then I'd just pay the remainder of her fucking rent...

The sheer vastness of what I just said scares me, now. I've offered to go broke for girls before... She has yet to give me a reason to not trust her, and I guess I'm testing trust right now. I told her I don't expect to be paid back, and I don't. It's money I would have spent regardless. That's how I see it. Starting next week, though, I'm done spending. I need to just stop. I need to save. Going to concerts here and there and not drinking will help me save, because my money goes to music and beer... and storage, "rent", food, and a cell phone. I should be able to save ONE check a month, which is a total of $174 a month.

I just won't make the mistake of telling her I'd do anything, because even I have my own limits on what "anything" means... But I'd do everything within my extremely limited power...