SCRAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW

Here we go again. More self inflicted bitchery I guess...

So today, or yesterday depending upon what day you view 1:19 am to fall upon, I went with my ex-wife down to pick up her check, and possibly quit her job. They let her go, and from the sounds of things she should just talk with a lawyer. Putting it mildly I referred to her check has harassment money :)

After that we were supposed to go downtown to get this divorce shit straight. Instead my day consisted of adventuring with my ex-wife, me having a great time, yet being completly miserable on the inside because everything was hitting me all at once. We had both moved on. We were both either with somebody or pursuing somebody. She's changed so much since she was with me that it scares me, angers me, and I'll be honest: I am jealous that she's getting more action than I am. I mean, it seems like a whole role reversal from how things were two and a half years ago when I first met her.

I'm still in love with her. I want her. But it's best that we do not go down that road again. If we travel it, heartache and suffering are carelessly strewn about the streets like so much refuse. I don't want to cause her anymore pain than I already have. She doesn't want that either. Is it so wrong of me to think there's still a slight connection? I should have just stayed home today and slept my afternoon away instead of causing what appears to only be more suffering in my mental state than normal.

However, she is not Christina. Ironically I do not have her, but it is with her that my heart lies, so to speak. With her there is a chance to begin anew. There are so many things to consider in that than I realize, but the fact remains: It's her I've shown interest in, and her I shall remain so.

I've just got a lot going through my mind right now.

I had a dream, several times tonight, that involved torrential rain, "locusts" which looked more like stink bugs mixed with said rain, and attempted sex with my ex-wife. That never got past foreplay. Partly due to my roommates in said dream, partly due to it not feeling right. However I did get my kisses dammit... I'm a sucker for soft lips. There's one set in particular that I miss, and honestly I'm wishing I was near her right now, the person whose lips in particular I crave, because weather she's in a funk or not I could use some cuddles. Knowing that somebody out there is in fact attracted to and or attached to me would do wonders for me right now.

I spent over five hours with my ex-wife, and we only got talking done. Letting each other know what's gone on in our lives. What's changed, way too much detail. Though not from me. I spared as many details as possible because telling your ex-wife that you can honestly say you've had better since her is just wrong on so many levels...

I don't know where I'm going with this anymore. I could use a strong shot, or just a fifth of something. Tequila Rose comes to mind as it's a low proof tequila with that smooth, strawbery cream taste. I could probably chugh that thing and still be fine, but would feel worlds better in moments.

My niece is doing better, the treatment is helping, and her mom is still a cuntbag. I love that little girl with all of my heart and if something is to happen to her, her mom is dead...

Big heart and a small bank account

Honestly at this time i wish I'd been saving my money up. This girl I know is a little behind for her rent and baby sitter, and of course... I'm offering the shirt off my back... as much as I can. I can't offer them a place to stay if she can't gather the cash because this isn't really MY house. Otherwise hell yes I would. One of those "lose your place, live with me... just buy food" deals. I miss that ability with my first apartment :(

Regardless I can only really spare $50 right now, and then after bills next week fuck I would just give her the rest. The fact that I have feelings for her does play into this, but whatever man I'm a nice guy, you know? I also want to try and persuade her to get me back on her good side even though I don't know what I did in the first place... however she was having a moment Saturday... and last night admitted to being in a funk. I'm thinking this has attributed to our lack of talking lately. I pray to whatever gods there are that that is the only thing that's keeping us from talking like we started out doing haha

Hell, keeping us from being an us... ugh.

So sometime in the next few days I hope to hear back, because as of today the most I'm buying is soup for my ex-wife because she's sick. I know her when she gets sick, shit sucks for her. Yeah ex-wife blah blah blah... I'm the nice guy, but I know when to be an ass, too. I've done it with her before, honestly. And recently. I'm just done taking people's shit. I'm trusting, and I have issues with that trust. Usually you have to earn it, but if you gain my affections I'm ready for you to use and abuse me, baby. Because that's how I roll...

I'm just wishing I had a job because then I'd just pay the remainder of her fucking rent...

The sheer vastness of what I just said scares me, now. I've offered to go broke for girls before... She has yet to give me a reason to not trust her, and I guess I'm testing trust right now. I told her I don't expect to be paid back, and I don't. It's money I would have spent regardless. That's how I see it. Starting next week, though, I'm done spending. I need to just stop. I need to save. Going to concerts here and there and not drinking will help me save, because my money goes to music and beer... and storage, "rent", food, and a cell phone. I should be able to save ONE check a month, which is a total of $174 a month.

I just won't make the mistake of telling her I'd do anything, because even I have my own limits on what "anything" means... But I'd do everything within my extremely limited power...

Hollow Soul

I don't update this often. Usually my updates are reserved for my journal on deviantART because, well... it's easier to include this shit there. But I can't be as free with my speech there anymore, like I can here. Reason being: Nobody knows of this blog's existence. And if anybody finds out, well then fuck it. Cat's out of the bag, huh?

So in case no body's been following along, and I'm sure that is the case. I met a girl. Christina. Not really a girl, but a woman. With a job, a kid, the most amazing body I've ever been inside. The works, right? Well things aren't looking so great for a relationship between us, and so in commemoration of said event I wrote a small poem.

This being that poem:

This hollowness I feel inside
Can never be rivaled by what you brought alive
Bitter pain I won't understand
Or allow you to explain

What we may have had
To me felt so divine
To crush it up in a little ball
And throw it all away
Remains a mystery to me
Through this very day

I gave you all that I had inside
Despite this empty shell that I call home
It wasn't enough to hold you here
Which is why you ran away...

Ran away from the man who loved you
Spent more than his soul could afford to
Make you happy
And in return all you know to do is fade away
Just fade away...

Now here I sit reminiscing
About my broken past
Looking through my own reflection
Will I find a love that lasts

Every love that I've ever had
Won't stand beside their man...

Now, I have a disclaimer that this isn't really about anybody in particular, and it isn't. I have a tendency to choose women that just aren't 100% compatible with me. I'm almost looking for help in the romance department, but not just yet. I'm going to give it more time before I try and get out there again.

The hardest thing to do for me is approach a woman. Getting their information afterwards is second nature to me, but still... It's the whole getting your foot in the door thing that takes me so fucking long to do. I need to get over it, but then there's the looking like an ass... the pick up lines... the buying of drinks... ugh. Fuck me. I hate the game.

What will be the icing on the cake is that, now I'm an ordained minister, I'll be the one to wed off my ex-wife. That'll be REALLY fucked and twisted, eh?

Yeah, fml.

FML...

Why why why do I feel this way. Honestly, it's fuckign pathetic. It's been what... a week since I met her, yet I already feel a deep attraction for her and I fuckign hate this.

This isn't high school

This isn't jr. high

and it sure isn't the drugs, because the only "drug" I ingest is alcohol, and I haven't done that for a while until tonight. And tonight it's half a glass of Jager straight, plus a little ice to keep it cold.

Seriously though, what the fuck is my deal? I shouldn't feel like this. It's driving me crazy, this buzzy feeling in my head (not head in my feeling as I was originally going to type).

I've been separated from my so-called wife since the end of January. I'm finally trying to get out there into the game and scene again, and I was thinking that I found somebody again. Maybe it's just me being a fucktard and her having a totally "irritating" day as she put it, but I can't help but wonder if she even does feel remotely the same about me. Which I guess is normal, but... I just recently met her. Which is why, for the most part I'm trying to be careful about this. I keep seemign to be hung up on her having a 2 y/o but honestly it doesn't matter. Why should it matter? My step-dad has been in my life since I was 7, granted my parents were only dating at that point in time, he's been there as a father figure for the great vast majority of my life. I'm sure this has somehting to do with me falling for her, you know? Like "step-father" like son, eh? Only he's not as old as I was lol

I think it's love, but I can't be sure this early. I want it to be, but honestly I want to enjoy being single, too. Yet here I am, trying to get into another relationship. I love the way her lips feel agaisnt mine, the way my nails feel against her skin as well as my teeth grazing her flesh. She drives me crazy and makes me miss her, and I'm sure she doesn't even try. Why have I fallen so hard so fucking fast?

I just want things to make sense to me. I want to be able to deal with these emotions in a more stable manner, as opposed to drinking them into submission when I'm feeling overtly bummed at her not talking to me as much as I"d like her to do, you know? I don't know, I just think I'm starting to sound fucking pathetic as shit...

Ugh, fuck my love life...

Found a new...?

Well... I need to keep this updated more often, because my life is starting to have some changes go through it. I like keeping some sort of documentation of the stupid shit I do, that way I can learn from it in the future.

As of right now I'm officially trying to get with somebody... it's really fucking strange to admit it, but I really like her. She's a few years older, has a kid, and is into things that I'm not... but that's honestly okay. She's a little crazy, and I dig that in chicks. Eccentricities are fascinating to me, and are the spice of life in my humble opinion. But it can be over done...

However...

I need to think of the positives about her.

She is older, and she acts it. She has her moments where it seems like there's some immaturity, but we all have those moments. She's easy for me to talk to, and I like that. I was able to approach her easily when I met her, which made things interesting for once. She's not overly pretty, but that's not to say she isn't attractive. FAR from it. Obviously I'm attracted, and not in the "slamming body that needs a paper bag over the head" way. While she does have a smokin' hot bod, I like her in more than just a physical sense.

Oh god, the physical sense. Something about that chick just really gets me going. I haven't had that for two and a half years, and now I have it again. I want her in more ways than I can describe, and to keep my hands off seems a degradation to her name. I refuse to mention a name in here, because well... we're both still single. But my god... to admit that I am finally attracted to somebody that is attainable, that is easy to talk to...

I just want to follow her around like a goddamn lost fucking puppy.

See, I mention all of this because tonight I missed the physical contact. The hugging, the kissing... the biting, the, well, fucking everything. Granted we've only hung out three times now, and had any sorts of physical contact twice out of those three times, there is still that ever elusive spark that could mean a great relationship, or a great FWB. My money is more towards the relationship aspect even though the ink isn't dry on my divorce papers, because whatever god there is knows I don't want to be alone the rest of my life, and I'm totally over hating women for any reason :)

Things are still too early on to tell, though. There's only a few things I'm not a huge fan of, but it's nothing that can jeopardize anything. Like I said, it's the little eccentricities that I find attractive. She has them. Shes amazing, in my opinion. I'm sure I'll look back on this in a few years and wonder if I'm running off of a second hand high from the pot, but well... idc to be fucking honest.

I could very easily be falling again... and when I fall I fucking do it hard and fast. I'm just trying to watch out and take my time for, well... not much left to take my time with.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind. Her. She's all that's been on my mind, and it's a beautiful thing to not have my ex-wife on my mind anymore. Fucking beautiful beyond belief.