Holidays, new projects and current obsessions…

It’s funny, really. This year just hasn’t seemed to go by fast on one hand, yet the other it’s blazed by. So much has happened and changed over the course of the last 365 days that it’s just crazy.

The holiday season is back, and honestly it feels weird. I’m not sure how, but it just doesn’t feel the same. I wasn’t that excited about decorating, I haven’t invested a lot in gifts, etc. I think it’s because, well, I’m unemployed for the most part. I’m not working, not bringing home any money, and it just sucks. Today’s economy is just shit. I’ve done the best I could, though. Managed to buy everyone at least one gift, and my girlfriend three. Two of which she knows, one of those she just pieced together thanks to happenstance. Stupid happenstance lol

In other news, I have a new-ish album up on a new bandcamp page… You can click the image below to go there. I’m really looking forward to where I can take this. Life’s a journey, and I’m coasting through this one. Don’t want to get too ambitious haha

I’ve also fallen back in love with the Zelda series. I've recently started files on Twilight Princess, Link’s Awakening and Phantom Hourglass either for the first time, or for the second or dozenth time. Yes, dozenth. I realize it isn’t a real word but it’s kind of fun to say.

I’ve also been downloading a bunch of remix soundtracks for the games. I’ll post the two most recent, which are from OverClockedRemix.

Essence of Lime (Oracle of Ages Remix Album)

Threshold of a Dream (Link’s Awakening Remix Album)

Both are pretty good, but Threshold is by FAR one of my favorites of the year. Period. Which is sad lol

I’m also really looking forward to Skyward Sword next year for the Wii. Looks really, really good. Even if we’re returning to cel-shaded visuals, we still retain a look something like Twilight Princess… Still, looks damn good in motion.

That, I think, is enough for now.

Sleepless

It's dangerous to read over my past blog posts anywhere. Guaranteed, somewhere within the confines of my writing you'll see proclamations of love to various girls and women throughout the years, each one valid in their own way. It's just funny that my moods change depending upon which one I'm "with" at any point in that self-contained time line.

Winter is a season of reflecting, of evaluation of self. Make note of the things you'd like to change and, at the start of the new year, work towards those goals.

Hopefully I never have to read through years of Lauren/Lani/Christina/Amanda/Stephanie bullshit and can just focus on Felicia and I. Makes things somewhat awkward when I go through and read about my past emotions and feelings. Makes me feel kind of childish.

To a degree.

Another interesting aspect of past relationships is where my music was going. Stylistically at least. When I was with Lani I was so nearly-constantly angered and upset over something that my music was always fast and aggressive. Here anymore I'm calmer, almost at peace. It's reflected in where I'm going with my sound, progression via regression I say. Kinda catchy actually, might use it for an album title. Ha! Then again, Only Time struck me as a decent band name... Kinda describes where I'm at, too. Only time will tell... it's a phrase I saw used a few times over the course of the last few entries.

Overall I've just become happier over the course of the last seven months. There really isn't much, if anything, that I would change.

I'm sure I had so much more I wanted to say, but I've lost my thought train. Damn things derail so easily when you're multi-tasking...

3.42

We are who we are...

So here it is, and I think I'm crazy. It's 3:30 and I'm missing you, missing her. Whomever I am typing this to I'm missing you, unless I'm typing it in thought then it's her. Confused? Good, I like it that way...

Felicia gave me her keyboard and I cannot be more excited/intimidated/confused/overjoyed/frustrated/awestruck. Just looking at the number of keys on this thing overwhelms me. I'm so used to 4/6 strings, four fingers and a pick. Hell, I'm more used to playing drums than keyboards. My last keyboard I got rid of because I never used it more than occasionally, but I was around 4 or so. I wrote my very first song on that thing, and it was literally a funeral march/dirge. A taste of the future I suppose, eh? After all I fell in love with death and black metal, and plan on going to school for funeral services. To become a mortician. I'd love to go to school for music production but that doesn't seem feasible right now, and I'd most likely do nothing with that education except for further my own musical... needs.

As far as jobs go, I'm still unemployed but working on taking care of that. I probably screwed myself out of unemployment but whatever, like I said: I plan on going back to school.

...

It's 3:33 am. 34 minutes, now, into the "witching hour." That magical hour where I do my best writing, whether it's about death, the future, the lost cause that my soul seems to be, etc. Whatever my heart desires. However right now it desires one thing, and that is to be with Felicia. I don't know, things just seem right with her. I'm not worried about things, too much at least. One of those "The Beatles were right" moments, even though I know that a sad fact of this reality is that you need more than just love to make it through life. If that weren't the case then I'd be the happiest man alive.

I don't care that she dated my best friend for 7 ish years. When it comes down to it, if she were the last woman on earth I would still be with her. Facts are facts and everything else is just social stigma, the whole "bros before hoes" bullshit. I mean, sure, there's honor amongst thieves, but there's also the saying that "all is fair in love and war." I tend to side with that more, because it applies to so much.

...

As I sit here still, breaking this entry up into segments for no apparent reason, I look at the keyboard again. That gives me the guitar, the keyboard, the "drums," and the voice to make music with. I'm a full band again, just by myself. Adding keys to my music I can go so many other directions once more. It's a nice feeling, and I'm just glad that I can actually plink things out in proper order and not just try and fail at arranging guitar music for a keyboard. It makes it easier to compliment my work that way.

...

I love her because she has common interests with me. I love her for how I feel around her. I love her because she's always made me laugh, she makes me smile. I can be myself around her, and those that matter most to me like her or get along with her. It's amazing to have somebody that my family actually likes.

I love her because, as I said, when I'm with her it all seems to be right. I love her because she gave me a reason to stay.

I love her because she is amazing.

I was reading through the comments on that blog I posted a link to (http://naytinalbert.blogspot.com/2010/06/i-hugged-man-in-his-underwear-and-i-am.html), and I just thought I would share it with you.

"Sorry to rain on your parade, but I'm not impressed. It doesn't change the long, intolerant history of your religion; it doesn't change the fact that your Bible says I am an abomination and that I should be put to death; it doesn't erase all of the anti-gay constitutional amendments that have enshrined discrimination into our laws...

And for that matter your behavior, good or bad, doesn't lend any credibility to the ridiculous supernatural claims your religion is founded on. Even if every single Christian on this planet loved the gays, it would not be a good reason to believe people can rise from the dead.

You know what would actually impress me? If you abandoned religion altogether and embraced critical thinking and contemporary, secular ethics. Maybe if you had done that all along you would have been on the right side of this issue from the beginning, and you wouldn't have anything to apologize for. Sorry but I'm not going to give you a special award for finally, FINALLY coming to the same conclusions that intelligent, fair-minded individuals came to decades ago.

In the meantime, I find it really manipulative, self-serving and condescending that you are using this to pat yourself on the back. I mean, wow, you hugged a gay guy. Stop the presses!! Oh but he wasn't wearing pants. Oh geez, you have so much courage!!



Also, it's idiotic that anyone is really surprised that there are Christians out there who are not ant-gay. Despite how stupid Christianity is as an ideology, we live in a modern world where most decent Christians have rejected the parts of the Bible that call for murdering homosexuals, condone slavery or depict women as the property of men. Almost all of us have Christian friends and family members who accept us, and these days most Pride parades and festivals are supported by gay-positive churches. In short, you're not special. Lots of other Christians - individuals and whole churches - have already beat you to it. And you probably just surprised some people because you weren't in the parade itself and looked more like the anti-gay fundie protesters at first.

I know some other gay people are so starved for acceptance that they'll jump all over this story and slather you with congratulatory praise, but I'm not one of them. Wow, you figured out that gay people are human beings. What's next, you'll finally realize that evolution is true? :O

Welcome to the modern era. Took you long enough."

All I can say is that, while I agree, it does take small steps for something to actually revolutionize and change the way people see the world. Nothing is going to happen overnight, and if it takes a certain group of people over 2000-ish years to realize "Hey, we fucked up," then that's what it's going to have to take.

Whenever I meet somebody or find out somebody is gay I don't sit there and think "OMFGWTFBBQ this dude sleeps with dudes!!!" I actually see them as just another person. I mean, okay, there's a lot of stigma still there but that's all in part to everything around us; the media, the churches, our parenting, etc. Not saying MY parents specifically, but you get the picture. Nature versus nurture.

Still, in my mind, even a small group of Christians gathering at Pride gives me hope. Especially when, as one sign claimed, they were once homophobic.

Take this how you will
Rev. Cannon

Amused

by the fact that stephanie seeing a movie with some other guy bothers me so fucking much... -__- not blog worthy, but felt like making a note of it.

Life

Throws so many curve balls. I'm not with Stephanie. I've chosen somebody else to see what made me not want to leave...

Only time will tell...

I

hate myself.

DUALITY CONFLICT

DUALITY'S LEFT ME WITH HALF OF MY HEART
TO BUILD NEW BRIDGES AND TEAR APART
THE OLD
BONDS THAT I'VE FORMED AND ABSORBED
INTO BEING

NEW CHOICES
OLD VOICES
BOTH PASSIONS ARE BURNING BRIGHT
DECISIONS
REVISIONS
ANOTHER FORK I FIND AS I QUESTION WHAT'S RIGHT

LEAD BY THE HAND DOWN A NEW PATH OF DUALITY
LEARNING BY MYSELF
MY HEART IS THAT INSANITY

THE SINNER AND THE SAINT
NEITHER SELF I HATE
FOR I AM THEY
THEY ARE ME...

I..

feel so conflicted about everything!!! :/

WTH

Started working on this yesterday, 4.28.10 and thought I'd put it here for safe keeping :D
I find myself calling out once again
Talking to the darkness
Asking for forgiveness
For my sins
(Wonder if I'll hear from Him)

I always question my own motives
Reaching out in blindness
Searching for that kindness
in a world that's gone mad
(Wonder how it got so bad)

Religion incites us
It won't stop the violence
So what must be done
We don't live as one
I'm sick of the heartache
I swear that I will break
So what must be done
We can't live as one

Please just guide me, take me by the hand
Show me where I'm s'posed to be.
Let your words find me, I'll write them in the sand
Choose where my steps fall, I'll follow till the end

All that I'm after
Will satisfy my thirst
Seeking the answers
I've wanted since my birth
Everything we will see
Looks different from the hearse
There's only one way
To rid me of this curse

RETURN THAT WHICH WAS LOST TO ME
SO LONG AGO
HELP ME SALVAGE WHAT REMAINS OF
MY FORGOTTEN SOUL

Ink

This weekend I finally got my second tattoo. Not exactly what I planned on it being, but I cannot say I'm not damn pleased. It's an R.W.E. quote: "Always do what you are afraid to do." I've relied on these words so much in the last few months it's a little scary. This has to be one of the most inspirational quotes I've read. After all, this is the quote that led me to sending that message to BOTH Stephanie and Jeremy, the catalyst that finally separated them and granted her to me.

To the victor go the spoils? I guess, but I don't like thinking of her as a prize. I just think of it as fighting for the one I love to separate her from somebody that, even if it was the one time as he said, abused her. Physically. Yeah, his word against her's but I saw photographic evidence and that says more than either of them could. That was proof it happened, all the proof I needed to intervene.

Now the challenge is to move to Florida and be with my beloved Stephie. This will, in all honesty, be the hardest part. I have to save up the money because I'm going to be driving down so I can keep my car. I'm going to have to get checks or set up the on-line bill pay via my bank (they ahve physical addresses, so I should be able to get it done :D). This will at least save me, for the time being, $200 a month. Plus living with her till we can get our own place. PLUS an honest and true combined income. Life will look so much better this way...

One can hope and pray.

Also, reading over this blog, it's amazing to see the cycles of emotions I've gone through... I'm truly fucking insane...

Gears a grindin'

Nothing grinds my gears more than people thinking that they know me based upon a few paragraphs, a few photos and maybe a status update or two...

Seriously, take the ten fucking seconds to get to know me. I'm not a horrible person. Even better, don't meet me when I'm out at a bar with friends specifically looking to make myself forget shit... not that that's a possibility now, because I quit drinking, but still. Or at least drinking SO MUCH. Regardless, stop the fucking judging.

To judge a person for their sins is not YOUR job.

Just bothers the everloving dog shit out of me... four people have done so, and I still don't know many people that hate me without reason... If I don't like you, you'll know it for sure.

Only then will you see just how horrible of a person I can be. If I can act like a saint, best believe I have that much and more in the opposite spectrum of my personality.

Piss me off, I dare you...

In the end, though, I still manage to smile. I'm still happy. I can still say "the geek got the girl" lol

I haven't had many negative thoughts lately, I've been too happy. I have at least ONE huge reason to smile.

Stephanie. She's my reason. I love her sooooo much.

Wondering...

Song of Solomon 8:6
"Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death..."

Have I done the right thing? Forcing the hand that must be played? Making it known, while omitting certain truths, what happened up here between Stephanie and I?

Okay a better question... Did I go about it the right way? Only time will tell, I guess... Only time.

"A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and en-kindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy."
George Jean Nathan

Love

Love it seems has it's hooks within me again

These hooks pierce my flesh and tug at my heartstrings
Searching for weakness
Searching for answers
Jabbing and prodding in hopes of finding the why

Why do we love when in the past we've been hurt by that which we want?
Love is at the root cause of so many problems...

Love is beautiful...

Love is evil...

Love is getting lost in those beautiful brown eyes
Love is getting lost in that soft, silky hair

Love is getting lost and confused as you grasp for the right words, the best phrase, to sum everything up
To gather your emotions into nothing more than one syllable.

Love has created rifts between
Broken barriers
Healed each one of us all

Love saves
Love destroys

Whatever the end result
I love YOU
More than words can say...

INTROVISION

While I'm here, I might as well provide, finally as I don't believe I did ever, explain what "Introvision" means...

It's derived from Introvert and the song title Innervision (System of a Down). It's all about looking inward, seeing what's really there. Who one is, who one has become. The act of seeing what once can only perceive as "The Truth" in their lives.

My main intent in this blog was, originally, to release all the negative thoughts I had in a way other than creative; to also release all the good, in a way not creative. It was meant to serve my own selfish needs of having somebody to talk to when nobody was around, confess to the internet and let there be silence... hence only letting very FEW know of it.

This is also a chance to look back and see who I was and had to be in order to become who I am today...

This is my introvision...

Hmmm...

Maybe I should start updating this more often... if I gather my thoughts, I might be able to make a real blog out of this, yano?

This is just a useless update, really. Nothing fancy or new going on. Sharing my deepest, darkest, most secret entries with the woman I love, the woman I want, the woman that makes me smile.

I<3SPB :D

Let's turn this darkness around, shall we?

It's amazing how, since September, I've changed completely... Okay, perhaps I'm still broken but I'm in repair, to steal a phrase from Christina. Yes, we're still friends, and she's proven to be an amazing girl regardless...

I have so many sins that need confessing it's ridiculous. I don't even know the integrity of this blog, so I'll leave those confessions with who I made them to.

However I will state this. Love has hit me again. Love has turned my world upside down. Love has made me feel whole again... to an extent. The woman I want as my better half is 3,000 miles away. Let me talk about her for a moment...

She's 5'3" tall. She's well proportioned. Nothing on her is too big or too small, everything to my eyes looks just right. Her smile is infectious to me, her laugh intoxicating. Her eyes sparkle...

She has the most beautiful brown eyes I've ever looked into. I see everything reflected in those eyes. Her lips feel like they were made for mine. Everything about her is just divine...

I met her at work, via email of course... when we started talking it was about music and we clicked. She's the girl I've been looking for, especially since my ex-wife left me. I've been saying "I'm going to find me someone that understands music and marry her" since then. Perhaps not those words EXACTLY but, the gist of it. (Truth be told I was looking for a guitarist, but she plays clarinet)

She was up here for two weeks to organize eMarketing. I was around her the whole time at work, just talking. I can be myself around her. I'm happy around her. We can talk for HOURS about absolutely nothing, and it's great.

She intrigues me. She makes me want to learn about her. She makes me want to work harder and be a better person. She makes me want to show her how she should be treated, she deserves to be treated.

I'm totally failing at describing this girl, aren't I?

We have a common interest, and that's music. Right now that's more than I've had with anybody I ever went after, and the biggest thing in my life IS music. Music is magical, it brings us together and tears us apart. The only thing I don't like about her? Her boyfriend. I think he's below dirt. Especially for how he's treated her. She deserves to be treated like the grown woman she is, not like she's 5 years old.

It starts with a common interest and blossoms from there. I feel I can tell her anything. I feel I can be myself around her, and her the same around me. I feel like I've known her forever. I feel she may be the girl I was meant to live my life with. She feels like she may be the one. I haven't felt like this for years.

Convinced yet? I don't know... I can't explain it. I just know this.

Look, I sound crazy now... -___- I just cannot explain it.

Stephanie Patricia Berger... I'll remove your name from this blog if it leaks back, but dammit I love you. You are my world. My light. My Butterfly, the one that will fill the hole in my heart. I love you more than the 12 notes of the western scale, more than the sweet sound of micro-tones, more than I love bashing out power chords in dropped-tunings with single-note trem picked, distortion saturated notes. I love you more than I have ever loved anybody...

I promise you that I'll never let go... I love you so much it hurts. I love you so much that thinking about the distance that separates us makes me cry every few nights. I love you so much I want to leave my place of birth just to be with you, to work with you, to be around you...

I can't say it enough, Butterfly. I love you.