I should be sleeping...
I found a new-ish site,
givesmehope.com, and I've been sitting here the last twenty minutes or so just reading over all these little stories people have posted. If you know me well enough you know that, as a whole, I hate humanity. For what we've done as far as pollution, over-hunting, over-populating, etc. There's many things which I despise our species for. Many things I fault us for. The fact I don't work in some sort of nature-ish career field is almost surprising, except for my hypocrisy of doing exactly what everybody else does, due to my thought of "we're all fracked anyway..."
Guilty as charged...
A few of these stand out, and of course bring up several emotions that were dead for several months at the beginning of this year... not necessarily dead, but replaced with hurt, revulsion, and confusion.
Here's an example: "Lately my dad has been really angry and distant, and i feel like it's just wearing my mom down. I went home to visit today and found a journal in the bathroom. Each day my dad writes a new thing he loves about my mom and leaves it for her to read. GMH"
Really anything involving marriage just stings a bit. There is no secret that I didn't want this end... however, here's the reason this blog is known by next to nobody. Even though she's with somebody else, going through a really tough spot in her life, she keeps saying "in a year you're going to date me again."
I honestly am at a loss when it comes to a response... The norm is "uh huh" or "what happens will happen"
It's funny that, when given the chance, I don't know if I'd go down that road again... I don't want to go through all the trouble of the date, propose, marry cycle again just for it to end the same way. I love her, though I haven't shown it much at all lately, but I just don't know if I can be with her again.
This plagues my mind every single day. Working for 8 hours with nothing but the ability to think and destroy things, I always swing my thoughts back to her. I need to write some feelings and emotions out it seems, in the creative way. I've been stuck when it comes to music, but perhaps I'm able to do my poetry again. That would be nice. Poetry without the need for music.
Writer's Block is not fun. Neither is the broader term: Artist's Block. As a creative individual, that term applies more. I used to draw, since I could hold a pencil. I haven't drawn since my little brother was three or four. He's eleven. Last year I wrote at least 12 songs, I feel anyway. This year I'm lucky if I'll finish any of the eight that I've started. This includes the three complete instrumentals that lack vocals. This excludes the ones I feel are better off as instrumentals.
Musically I've returned to black metal, because I love the sound. Lyrically and poetically I'm still stuck on Filanthi. No, Lani. I never called her Filanthi unless I was annoyed. Sometimes that irked her, but honestly when calling her Lani irritated her we were usually fighting, so I didn't care much at that point... then she'd be bothered by me using her full name afterwards... It was an interesting relationship, and even now.... after all the hate that's gone on mostly from me, I still think it was a rewarding relationship.
Even the night she left, I thought we'd still be together. Even when she called me at 7 am the next day with the offer of separation or divorce, and I told her that she's either with me or she isn't, I figured we'd still be together.
People say I should be over her, but most of them are people that haven't had that kind of relationship. What made it difficult for me to choose as to taking her back or not before the divorce was finalized was the fact that the vast majority of my friends suddenly didn't like her... my family doesn't like her... her family thinks I'm trash (so eff them, honestly), and just... grr.
Ever since January my Zen has been thrown off... Hanging out with her I have my muse. I write after bits of time with her, or after talking to her... I wrote a small poem after I gave up on helping her which is a scar unto myself... I lost hope, in the face of growing darkness. In the bald face of her depression and breakdown, I simply dropped the call and shut off my phone.
I am weak... not worthy... and feeling incredibly down. Which brings me back, full circle, to
givesmehope.com. Those little stories... give me hope.
