WTH

Started working on this yesterday, 4.28.10 and thought I'd put it here for safe keeping :D
I find myself calling out once again
Talking to the darkness
Asking for forgiveness
For my sins
(Wonder if I'll hear from Him)

I always question my own motives
Reaching out in blindness
Searching for that kindness
in a world that's gone mad
(Wonder how it got so bad)

Religion incites us
It won't stop the violence
So what must be done
We don't live as one
I'm sick of the heartache
I swear that I will break
So what must be done
We can't live as one

Please just guide me, take me by the hand
Show me where I'm s'posed to be.
Let your words find me, I'll write them in the sand
Choose where my steps fall, I'll follow till the end

All that I'm after
Will satisfy my thirst
Seeking the answers
I've wanted since my birth
Everything we will see
Looks different from the hearse
There's only one way
To rid me of this curse

RETURN THAT WHICH WAS LOST TO ME
SO LONG AGO
HELP ME SALVAGE WHAT REMAINS OF
MY FORGOTTEN SOUL

Ink

This weekend I finally got my second tattoo. Not exactly what I planned on it being, but I cannot say I'm not damn pleased. It's an R.W.E. quote: "Always do what you are afraid to do." I've relied on these words so much in the last few months it's a little scary. This has to be one of the most inspirational quotes I've read. After all, this is the quote that led me to sending that message to BOTH Stephanie and Jeremy, the catalyst that finally separated them and granted her to me.

To the victor go the spoils? I guess, but I don't like thinking of her as a prize. I just think of it as fighting for the one I love to separate her from somebody that, even if it was the one time as he said, abused her. Physically. Yeah, his word against her's but I saw photographic evidence and that says more than either of them could. That was proof it happened, all the proof I needed to intervene.

Now the challenge is to move to Florida and be with my beloved Stephie. This will, in all honesty, be the hardest part. I have to save up the money because I'm going to be driving down so I can keep my car. I'm going to have to get checks or set up the on-line bill pay via my bank (they ahve physical addresses, so I should be able to get it done :D). This will at least save me, for the time being, $200 a month. Plus living with her till we can get our own place. PLUS an honest and true combined income. Life will look so much better this way...

One can hope and pray.

Also, reading over this blog, it's amazing to see the cycles of emotions I've gone through... I'm truly fucking insane...

Gears a grindin'

Nothing grinds my gears more than people thinking that they know me based upon a few paragraphs, a few photos and maybe a status update or two...

Seriously, take the ten fucking seconds to get to know me. I'm not a horrible person. Even better, don't meet me when I'm out at a bar with friends specifically looking to make myself forget shit... not that that's a possibility now, because I quit drinking, but still. Or at least drinking SO MUCH. Regardless, stop the fucking judging.

To judge a person for their sins is not YOUR job.

Just bothers the everloving dog shit out of me... four people have done so, and I still don't know many people that hate me without reason... If I don't like you, you'll know it for sure.

Only then will you see just how horrible of a person I can be. If I can act like a saint, best believe I have that much and more in the opposite spectrum of my personality.

Piss me off, I dare you...

In the end, though, I still manage to smile. I'm still happy. I can still say "the geek got the girl" lol

I haven't had many negative thoughts lately, I've been too happy. I have at least ONE huge reason to smile.

Stephanie. She's my reason. I love her sooooo much.

Wondering...

Song of Solomon 8:6
"Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death..."

Have I done the right thing? Forcing the hand that must be played? Making it known, while omitting certain truths, what happened up here between Stephanie and I?

Okay a better question... Did I go about it the right way? Only time will tell, I guess... Only time.

"A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and en-kindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy."
George Jean Nathan

Love

Love it seems has it's hooks within me again

These hooks pierce my flesh and tug at my heartstrings
Searching for weakness
Searching for answers
Jabbing and prodding in hopes of finding the why

Why do we love when in the past we've been hurt by that which we want?
Love is at the root cause of so many problems...

Love is beautiful...

Love is evil...

Love is getting lost in those beautiful brown eyes
Love is getting lost in that soft, silky hair

Love is getting lost and confused as you grasp for the right words, the best phrase, to sum everything up
To gather your emotions into nothing more than one syllable.

Love has created rifts between
Broken barriers
Healed each one of us all

Love saves
Love destroys

Whatever the end result
I love YOU
More than words can say...

INTROVISION

While I'm here, I might as well provide, finally as I don't believe I did ever, explain what "Introvision" means...

It's derived from Introvert and the song title Innervision (System of a Down). It's all about looking inward, seeing what's really there. Who one is, who one has become. The act of seeing what once can only perceive as "The Truth" in their lives.

My main intent in this blog was, originally, to release all the negative thoughts I had in a way other than creative; to also release all the good, in a way not creative. It was meant to serve my own selfish needs of having somebody to talk to when nobody was around, confess to the internet and let there be silence... hence only letting very FEW know of it.

This is also a chance to look back and see who I was and had to be in order to become who I am today...

This is my introvision...

Hmmm...

Maybe I should start updating this more often... if I gather my thoughts, I might be able to make a real blog out of this, yano?

This is just a useless update, really. Nothing fancy or new going on. Sharing my deepest, darkest, most secret entries with the woman I love, the woman I want, the woman that makes me smile.

I<3SPB :D

Let's turn this darkness around, shall we?

It's amazing how, since September, I've changed completely... Okay, perhaps I'm still broken but I'm in repair, to steal a phrase from Christina. Yes, we're still friends, and she's proven to be an amazing girl regardless...

I have so many sins that need confessing it's ridiculous. I don't even know the integrity of this blog, so I'll leave those confessions with who I made them to.

However I will state this. Love has hit me again. Love has turned my world upside down. Love has made me feel whole again... to an extent. The woman I want as my better half is 3,000 miles away. Let me talk about her for a moment...

She's 5'3" tall. She's well proportioned. Nothing on her is too big or too small, everything to my eyes looks just right. Her smile is infectious to me, her laugh intoxicating. Her eyes sparkle...

She has the most beautiful brown eyes I've ever looked into. I see everything reflected in those eyes. Her lips feel like they were made for mine. Everything about her is just divine...

I met her at work, via email of course... when we started talking it was about music and we clicked. She's the girl I've been looking for, especially since my ex-wife left me. I've been saying "I'm going to find me someone that understands music and marry her" since then. Perhaps not those words EXACTLY but, the gist of it. (Truth be told I was looking for a guitarist, but she plays clarinet)

She was up here for two weeks to organize eMarketing. I was around her the whole time at work, just talking. I can be myself around her. I'm happy around her. We can talk for HOURS about absolutely nothing, and it's great.

She intrigues me. She makes me want to learn about her. She makes me want to work harder and be a better person. She makes me want to show her how she should be treated, she deserves to be treated.

I'm totally failing at describing this girl, aren't I?

We have a common interest, and that's music. Right now that's more than I've had with anybody I ever went after, and the biggest thing in my life IS music. Music is magical, it brings us together and tears us apart. The only thing I don't like about her? Her boyfriend. I think he's below dirt. Especially for how he's treated her. She deserves to be treated like the grown woman she is, not like she's 5 years old.

It starts with a common interest and blossoms from there. I feel I can tell her anything. I feel I can be myself around her, and her the same around me. I feel like I've known her forever. I feel she may be the girl I was meant to live my life with. She feels like she may be the one. I haven't felt like this for years.

Convinced yet? I don't know... I can't explain it. I just know this.

Look, I sound crazy now... -___- I just cannot explain it.

Stephanie Patricia Berger... I'll remove your name from this blog if it leaks back, but dammit I love you. You are my world. My light. My Butterfly, the one that will fill the hole in my heart. I love you more than the 12 notes of the western scale, more than the sweet sound of micro-tones, more than I love bashing out power chords in dropped-tunings with single-note trem picked, distortion saturated notes. I love you more than I have ever loved anybody...

I promise you that I'll never let go... I love you so much it hurts. I love you so much that thinking about the distance that separates us makes me cry every few nights. I love you so much I want to leave my place of birth just to be with you, to work with you, to be around you...

I can't say it enough, Butterfly. I love you.